But I believe that it’s time to examine the pervasive, inner workings of heterosexual conditioning that, whether any of us in the bisexual community want to admit or not, have doomed so many bisexual/lesbian pairings to failure.
While I understand that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences, I’ve written this article with two particular perspectives in mind:1.
I spent the first two decades of my life living as a closeted trans woman — a bisexual male to the outside world.2.
I have since transitioned, and now live as a bisexual woman.
As a result one rarely hears these concerns echoed in the gay male community; why would a gay man ever fear losing his bi male partner to a woman?
This principle can be explicitly observed in how most heterosexual men view a woman’s bisexuality as exciting and acceptable, because in his mind no sex involving two woman can truly be a threat to him, as his penis would be the only one around.
(See: The “One Penis Per Party Rule” as applied to polyamory: https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity/ )It isn’t difficult to imagine that most gay women have internalized some of these awful messages, and it’s even less difficult to imagine the resultant feelings of insecurity regarding their sexual power or agency.(Conversely, my relationships with straight men go haywire the moment I try to take a more active role in romance or courting.A lot of men say they want that in a woman, but that has certainly not been my experience!As a result, is it really so hard to see why some gay women might feel wary or reluctant to begin a relationship with a bisexual woman?Recently, I sat down for coffee with a lesbian acquaintance of mine who’d been dumped a month earlier by a bi woman. ”After thinking on it for a moment, I told her that I didn’t.As a bisexual woman myself, I can’t deny that something about this stereotype that rings true; bi women do seem to romantically engage, or “end up” with men far more often than with woman.But is this really because we prefer a life of white-picket simplicity and comfort?While lesbian women are certainly bombarded with the same messages about romance as everyone else, I wonder if perhaps they don’t internalize them to the same extent.The gay women I’ve dated don’t expect me to perform romance as a man would, because their relationships have never or rarely included men, and as a result they’ve created their own version of what romance looks like.Now no one is driving the process forward; no one sets up the next date, leans in for a kiss, or “buys the flowers,” so to speak.Any digression from the beaten path of straight romance leaves other bi women feeling as though I’m not interested, even if I am interested but showing it in a different manner than she’s used to.